And PS- I know, it's long. Sorry about that.
And also, please don't compare me to Jessica Simpson. Seriously, just don't.
Good Morgan Everyone!
I have some pretty incredible news I'd like to share. Do you guys remember my very first post, when my dreams were going haywire and I thought I was pregnant? And then there was this post a few weeks later, declaring that I needed some time off, some time to breathe.
Well now, there's this.
|Oh, Hi Tiniest Friend!|
And oh my gosh, my heart, it's really about to burst out of my chest.
Our little family is growing, and we could not be more thrilled. We've always wanted a big family, three, maybe four kids. We've talked about having them close in age, so that they would be friends, and with the hope that we'd already be in "diaper changing mode" when they were all so young.
We kind of left it up to God, saying "whatever happens happens"...but oh my gosh, this came as a welcome surprise! Not to get into the nitty gritty, but when I found out about this little miracle, I was still nursing Ben and didn't think it would be possible (physically) to get pregnant. Call it naivete, call it what you want, but there were a lot of factors that made me think we were still several months off.
My female intuition on the other hand started waving a HUGE red flag. One night, I had a very realistic dream that I took a pregnancy test and there was a huge, glaring POSITIVE sign. I have always been a very intuitive person, so I figured the smart move would be to take a pregnancy test the next morning. Sure enough, a big ol' positive was staring me right in the face. I had no morning sickness, no missed period, no other typical symptoms...just my weird creepy dream. Strange, right?
Anyway, I find the circumstances of this whole situation amazing, baffling and terrifying. I feel SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED to be pregnant with another baby. Seriously, I am beyond grateful. But outside of the excitement, I am so terrified of having two babies 18 months apart for so many reasons.
I hope I am a good enough mother that I can give both my babies enough love and attention and patience that they feel like they are my "only" baby.
I hope Ben doesn't feel shortchanged of his time alone with me.
I hope my husband doesn't feel shortchanged of his time alone with me.
I hope my DOG doesn't feel shortchanged of his time alone with me.
I hope I can figure out a way to leave the house every day with two babies, which I know I will be scared to do.
I hope my friends don't feel like I've fallen off the face of this earth.
I hope my family doesn't feel that way, either.
I hope my wrinkles don't continue to get deeper (which I know they will).
I hope I don't hallucinate due to lack of sleep (which I know I will).
I hope I am able to shower more than once a week (doubtful).
I hope I remember that to have a happy husband and happy children, I have to make sure I'm taken care of, too. That's going to be the hardest one for me to remember.
I am well aware that I sound incredibly wimpy, but I am so, genuinely worried that I'm not going to have enough, or "be" enough. Does that make sense? Does your love just multiply with more children or does it split? My girlfriend Colleen, who is one of the most wonderful mothers I know, assured me that it multiplies. She laughed when I shared with her my concern and told me that she, too had that same fear when she was pregnant with her second, and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. I know the second this baby is born my heart will overflow with love, but for now it seems impossible to love another child as much as I love Ben. The truth is, I love my family so incredibly much, and I feel so compelled to make sure this baby gets the same piece of the pie without taking a bite out of theirs.
Also, there is a huge part of me that feels like me as an individual is evaporating into thin air, and that scares me. I spent my 20's working my butt off to have a pretty great career, but when Ben was born I decided he'd be my full time career. With another baby? OH MA GAH. Will I ever feel balance again? When I was working full-time I felt like I was shortchanging Ben. When I am with Ben full-time I feel like I'm shortchanging myself. It's overwhelming, to say the least.
My husband and his friend were talking to me the other day about how unfair it is that women in this day in age are expected to have stellar careers, be full-time mothers, and full-time wives. They're right! And I so appreciate their perspective. Thank you, evolved husbands.
I think there is this perpetual fear amongst mothers about failure and being inadequate. To me, having a second child (or a third, or a fourth) just exasperates this. I've scaled back on my blog-writing to ensure that I don't look back in 6 months and think "I really should have spent more time laughing with Tyler and Ben than looking at the computer." I want to soak in the moments with my family, and those coveted moments I have for myself. I want my family to know they are everything to me, and this new addition, it's only going to get better.
Somewhere in between all this, I hope to maintain a sense of identity through my freelance television producing and freelance writing. We'll see.
But for now, thanks. Thanks for your support, and excitement, and words of wisdom. I sure as heck know I'm not the only woman in the world to have more than one baby (I'm embarrassed to even write that, I sound so foolish). But sometimes the task looks daunting and scary, so your friendship on this journey means more than you know.